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  • Neuro Logical

Processing I - Michelangelo Franchini

TW: mental health, depression, suicide


I feel kinda sad. I don’t know why…



Is is about something your mother said?



No, not this time…



You shouldn’t listen to her. She knows nothing.



It’s just that I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life...



It’s just a feeling, you know it’s just a feeling.



I know, but it’s true. I’m still here, trying to get a damn job. There’s none.



It’s not true, it’s a feeling, a perception. A wrong perception. You’re getting your degree, you’re doing well.


I’m doing well too, and you have to remember: we’re in this together. If I can get a job, this is good for


you also, and vice versa.



I feel other people are doing something important but I don’t know what.



They’re not. You’re doing well.



I couldn’t afford the academic career. It was a mistake.



It was not. And you must stop saying this. You don’t believe this. Don’t forget the curator, do you


remember what he said? He said yours is the best phd project he’s been seeing in years.



I know it, but my parents don’t.



I don’t care what your parents say.



I do.



They’re wrong. They know nothing about the academic career.



Yet they harass me, they want me to find a shitty job like theirs.


I’m tired.



You will not, okay? You’ll find the job you want. You’ll get the phd.



Honestly, I don’t know…


I lack money…



I know, okay?


Listen to me. I know. They know nothing. I’m smarter then them. I’ve a degree too.



I’m so tired.



They’re wrong. Are you listening to me? Try and focus on our little house in Limerick.



What if I fail



You will not. I will not.



You don’t know.



Try and focus on our future together.


I need you to do this for me okay?


I need you to imagine yourself while achieve your goals


please



I’m tired



I’m tired too



Sorry



I don’t want you to apologise I need you to do this


please


do it for me



Okay



Imagine our little house


how do we get it?


We need money


how do we get the money?


From novels and phd


how do we get the phds?


With our projects and our projects work?


You see?



It’s not so simple



It is not I know


but I need you to focus


I know you’re not in the mood


but I need you to focus on this


I know it’s hard and this is not therapy



I can’t afford therapy



I know but we will


also we can educate the brain to think in a certain way


I know we can do it


and I know it will help you



I can’t all of a sudden start thinking in a rational way


it doesn’t work like that



I know it doesn’t


damn it


I know it’s not all of a sudden


I didn’t ask you to do it now


I know you’re angry but I need you to concentrate on what I’m trying to say


I think this can help you


Will this solve all of your problems? Of course not


But it’s positive



I should take a nap



Darling please I’m trying to help you


Please do it for me



I can’t okay


I just can’t


Not with my parents telling me every single day I’m a failure


I suck at imagining things okay?



You’re not a failure darling


I love you you’re not a failure


I’m trying to help you


don’t interrupt me please I just ask you this please do as I say


do it for me


I really believe we can help your brain exiting from these loops



darling


no offence


I don’t want to



I’m trying to help you



I’m not this rational



I know you’re not now but we can work on this



Not now


I can’t okay?



You believe you can’t and I understand that


and I don’t want to insist



THEN DONT



but I believe you can change the way your brain reacts to this



I CANT


I CANT OKAY


I CANT AFFORD THERAPY I CANT


STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO



Darling


Christ


I’m trying to help you

And now I’m struggling to remain lucid



I don’t want you to help me


I can’t picture our future


I just can’t



darling



I CAN’T


STOP



FINE



I CAN’T AFFORD THERAYP


MY PARENTS KEEP SAYING I’M A FAILURE



I WAS TRYINF TO DO SOMETHIN ABOUT



I CAN’T DO SOMETHING ABOUT


I’M POOR



I KNOW WHAT THE PROBLFEM IS I WAS TRYING TO FIND A SOLUTIOM



there is none


I should have hanged myself



I can’t



Years ago


I should have tried again



I can’t keep talking


Sorry


I can’t



Me neither



I’m so angry right noe


I cant even


I have to gp



Then go



I WAS TYRING TO HELP YOU



I DONT’ WANT YOUR HELP


I WANT YOUT TO SAY YOU LOVE ME


YOU CANT HELPME


JUST SAY YOU LOVE ME



YOU KNOW I LOVE U



I JUST WANTED TO BE CONSOLED IS IT TOO MUCH



I’M SO MAD RIGHT NOW



you’re not the only one



I have to stop


I have to go now



then go



I’ll do it


Before I say something I could regret



Always the same story



It is not


It’s not always the same story



It is


It will ever be



I’d kill myself if it was



It’s my fault



No it’s not



I’m ruining your life



Don’t you dare say something like this


You saved it


You saved my life


Do you get it?



Mh



You’re the best thing that ever happened to me


Sorry


I love you



I love you too



I should have said that before



Yes



I’m sorry


I guess I need therapy too



So


You will come tomorrow?



I will



Okay



Are you happy?



I am



Me too


we can do it


I don’t know how but we can


do you trust me?



I do


Bio:

Michelangelo Franchini is an Italian author. His stories and essays have been published by many literary magazines such as Tuffi Rivista, Frammenti Rivista, Pastrengo Rivista, Reader for Blind, Altri Animali, Carmilla, Verde Rivista, Isit Magazine, The Big Windows Review. He's the founder of Yawp, an artistic collective and literary journal.

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