Processing I - Michelangelo Franchini
TW: mental health, depression, suicide
I feel kinda sad. I don’t know why…
Is is about something your mother said?
No, not this time…
You shouldn’t listen to her. She knows nothing.
It’s just that I feel like I’m not doing anything with my life...
It’s just a feeling, you know it’s just a feeling.
I know, but it’s true. I’m still here, trying to get a damn job. There’s none.
It’s not true, it’s a feeling, a perception. A wrong perception. You’re getting your degree, you’re doing well.
I’m doing well too, and you have to remember: we’re in this together. If I can get a job, this is good for
you also, and vice versa.
I feel other people are doing something important but I don’t know what.
They’re not. You’re doing well.
I couldn’t afford the academic career. It was a mistake.
It was not. And you must stop saying this. You don’t believe this. Don’t forget the curator, do you
remember what he said? He said yours is the best phd project he’s been seeing in years.
I know it, but my parents don’t.
I don’t care what your parents say.
I do.
They’re wrong. They know nothing about the academic career.
Yet they harass me, they want me to find a shitty job like theirs.
I’m tired.
You will not, okay? You’ll find the job you want. You’ll get the phd.
Honestly, I don’t know…
I lack money…
I know, okay?
Listen to me. I know. They know nothing. I’m smarter then them. I’ve a degree too.
I’m so tired.
They’re wrong. Are you listening to me? Try and focus on our little house in Limerick.
What if I fail
You will not. I will not.
You don’t know.
Try and focus on our future together.
I need you to do this for me okay?
I need you to imagine yourself while achieve your goals
please
I’m tired
I’m tired too
Sorry
I don’t want you to apologise I need you to do this
please
do it for me
Okay
Imagine our little house
how do we get it?
We need money
how do we get the money?
From novels and phd
how do we get the phds?
With our projects and our projects work?
You see?
It’s not so simple
It is not I know
but I need you to focus
I know you’re not in the mood
but I need you to focus on this
I know it’s hard and this is not therapy
I can’t afford therapy
I know but we will
also we can educate the brain to think in a certain way
I know we can do it
and I know it will help you
I can’t all of a sudden start thinking in a rational way
it doesn’t work like that
I know it doesn’t
damn it
I know it’s not all of a sudden
I didn’t ask you to do it now
I know you’re angry but I need you to concentrate on what I’m trying to say
I think this can help you
Will this solve all of your problems? Of course not
But it’s positive
I should take a nap
Darling please I’m trying to help you
Please do it for me
I can’t okay
I just can’t
Not with my parents telling me every single day I’m a failure
I suck at imagining things okay?
You’re not a failure darling
I love you you’re not a failure
I’m trying to help you
don’t interrupt me please I just ask you this please do as I say
do it for me
I really believe we can help your brain exiting from these loops
darling
no offence
I don’t want to
I’m trying to help you
I’m not this rational
I know you’re not now but we can work on this
Not now
I can’t okay?
You believe you can’t and I understand that
and I don’t want to insist
THEN DONT
but I believe you can change the way your brain reacts to this
I CANT
I CANT OKAY
I CANT AFFORD THERAPY I CANT
STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO
Darling
Christ
I’m trying to help you
And now I’m struggling to remain lucid
I don’t want you to help me
I can’t picture our future
I just can’t
darling
I CAN’T
STOP
FINE
I CAN’T AFFORD THERAYP
MY PARENTS KEEP SAYING I’M A FAILURE
I WAS TRYINF TO DO SOMETHIN ABOUT
I CAN’T DO SOMETHING ABOUT
I’M POOR
I KNOW WHAT THE PROBLFEM IS I WAS TRYING TO FIND A SOLUTIOM
there is none
I should have hanged myself
I can’t
Years ago
I should have tried again
I can’t keep talking
Sorry
I can’t
Me neither
I’m so angry right noe
I cant even
I have to gp
Then go
I WAS TYRING TO HELP YOU
I DONT’ WANT YOUR HELP
I WANT YOUT TO SAY YOU LOVE ME
YOU CANT HELPME
JUST SAY YOU LOVE ME
YOU KNOW I LOVE U
I JUST WANTED TO BE CONSOLED IS IT TOO MUCH
I’M SO MAD RIGHT NOW
you’re not the only one
I have to stop
I have to go now
then go
I’ll do it
Before I say something I could regret
Always the same story
It is not
It’s not always the same story
It is
It will ever be
I’d kill myself if it was
It’s my fault
No it’s not
I’m ruining your life
Don’t you dare say something like this
You saved it
You saved my life
Do you get it?
Mh
You’re the best thing that ever happened to me
Sorry
I love you
I love you too
I should have said that before
Yes
I’m sorry
I guess I need therapy too
So
You will come tomorrow?
I will
Okay
Are you happy?
I am
Me too
we can do it
I don’t know how but we can
do you trust me?
I do
Bio:
Michelangelo Franchini is an Italian author. His stories and essays have been published by many literary magazines such as Tuffi Rivista, Frammenti Rivista, Pastrengo Rivista, Reader for Blind, Altri Animali, Carmilla, Verde Rivista, Isit Magazine, The Big Windows Review. He's the founder of Yawp, an artistic collective and literary journal.