Awake with a Black Hole in my Chest - Adrian Ernesto Cepeda

From Maruyama Okyo's painting The Ghost of Oyuki, 1750

I deserve all of this,

the way she enchantingly

haunts within me. I can still

picture her eyes closed

blinking with neglect

I never interested in seeing

all she desires behind her

pupils, it’s in the darkness

when I feel her again, deserving

all of this, I pushed her away

so many times, she waited

for me so beautifully

ready and all I could

share was a contempt

of silence. Now that she

appears like an apparition

in my dreams, she’s more

than a ghost, now she is

the most stunning spark.

I can feel her glowing in

someone else’s eyes,

I deserve all this, not wanting

to sleep, wake up to feel

this black hole in my chest

take away the memory

of her most vibrating

presence, she was a gift

I never unwrapped, I ignored

her, never treasured the moments

we were this close as a bride

and groom, although

she has flown off, I feel

her floating in my mind,

sleepless even seeing her

closed eyes, deserving all

of this, the way she eternally

shines in my mind, the love

I never wanted to reveal

so distant, remain I am

myself, a shadow every

night trying to conjure

up her porcelain face

and all that remains is a blur

of a photograph, that never was.

Adrian Ernesto Cepeda is the author of Flashes & Verses… Becoming Attractions from Unsolicited Press, the chapbook So Many Flowers, So Little Time from Red Mare Press and La Belle Ajar from CLASH Books.

Adrian is an LA Poet who lives with his wife and their cat Woody Gold.  http://www.adrianernestocepeda.com/