An apology to my sister - Hannah Kludy
I
I should have told you
the house on kenwood was haunted
but I was afraid
to feed our fears
those footfalls on painted concrete floors
the way the heat vents clanged
at two each morning
even in the summer
or what had been entombed
under that strange block of plaster
in the corner of the living room
would you have felt
more frightened or less
if i admitted it
would you have slept
better at night
would you be less haunted today
II
I found the photo in my bedside table of us
Halloween me fourteen and you eleven
I was a goth princess with a tattered skirt
you were a dead girl mummy in rags
I should have noticed you were sad
more often on Halloween when you said you didn’t care
what candy I traded you for
that night in the picture your blue eyes wet
your blonde curls which never lost
their baby softness piling in the smooth crease
between your neck and shoulders your costume
so ugly next to mine that was the year
you said you didn’t like holidays i should have seen it
unspun you from the tangle
I helped dress you in
III
I am so sorry I never asked
why you won’t wear shorts
even in the heat of summer
no air conditioning I
can’t change it can’t
make you hurt less hurt
yourself less why
did you do it and not tell me
i should have left my bedroom
door open more i should have
noticed the way you winced
how you wore jeans
even on the hottest days
you only confessed years later
when you wanted to swim again
IV
I never believed black cats were bad luck
until Apollo got cancer
he did not go quietly like Kassoon who curled
under mom’s wardrobe paws tucked daintily under chin
Apollo died screaming seizing
he died pissing on the floor
he died running into walls
clawing at people he no longer recognized
that last night you stayed with him
laid awake on the couch
breathing in your tears and ammonia
while I slept in my room too afraid
to look at what death is when it chooses
not to come as a sad spring breeze
but rather a sharpened bitter torrent
I am sorry I let you face it alone.
Bio:
My work has been published in magazines such as All the Sins, apt, and 34th Parallel. I live in Kansas City and spend my time irritating my husband and giving my dogs cream cheese.